-J. Edward Keyes
Listen, I’m going to tell you what happened. Are you paying attention?
don’t look like you’re paying attention.
And if you’re not paying attention, we might as well just stop this
thing right now. Because I’m not
going to get into this with someone whose head is somewhere else. No, I’m not
getting carried away,
alright? This is like a big
serious deal to me, and you’re, like, scoping that girl halfway across the room
wondering whether or not she’s looking at you. This is serious and you’re just,
OK, fine, look. Here’s how it goes.
There were two guys in the
room with me, OK, and I think
they might have been brothers. The
one guy was wearing a monocle and a top hat, and the other guy had on like this
kind of maroon workout jumpsuit. But
not, like, the cool kind that they’re selling now in frigging shopping malls or
on South Street or whatever, this was like some old kind of ratty-
Is she hot? I
mean, I’m just asking because you haven’t been able to take your frigging eyes
off of her from the second I started talking, and this is starting to make me
totally frigging irate here.
So, look, they force me to sit down at this table. And it’s got to be about twelve degrees
in that room, and I can tell because all the rats are just kind of huddling in
the corner. They’re not even
really moving, you know, they’re just kind of cramped up into the corner on top
of one another wrapping those long tails around their long bodies and trying to
burrow down deep to stay warm.
Even now and then one of them will bite another one’s feet and there
will be this long sick squeak and I can feel my whole stomach just go inside
Did you hear me?
OK, so I’m sitting down at this rickety old card table staring at these
rats when the guy in the top hat slams a box down on the table. The rats start freaking
out when he
does this, they start squeaking and squealing like mad and the bottom of the
box has got this dark red stain all over it, like something seeped out from the
God, will you just try to pay attention? Oh, you are? OK, what did I just say? No, seriously, what did I just say? You don’t know, do you? You don’t know because you’re too busy
dreaming up the perfect pickup line for a girl who’s probably going to think
you’re ugly and repulsive and hideous the second you got within thirty-five
feet of her. Meanwhile, I’m trying
to tell you something really huge here, some really huge frigging thing
So the rats are going crazy now, and the guy in the
just starts licking his chops. And
the guy in the top hat leans forward, right into my face, so that his nose is
about two inches away. And the
rats are going nuts now, and the guy in the jumpsuit is clapping and jumping up
and down. And the guy in the top
hat points at the box and starts yelling: “HOW’S YOUR SISTER DOING, CARL? HOW’S
So I’m starting to panic now, and the guy in the jumpsuit
has started laughing, laughing like he’s losing his frigging mind, and the guy
in the top hat steps back and rips the tops off the box, and he reaches in, and
I start screaming, and theses hot tears are, like, pouring down my cheek, and
the guy reaches down into the box and-
God, are you even a human being? What’s the matter with you? She’s not even paying attention to you, you frigging clod.
OK, fine, you know what? I’m
leaving. Forget it. No, you be
quiet. I’ve had it. Screw you. I’m